on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
pray to the hookup gods
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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