I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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