dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
