____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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