I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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