I faked an abortion last night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
