I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize