WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize