hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Boobs are out for the taking
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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