And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
