Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
