I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
