have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
