You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
