So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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