What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
