sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
