new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
