My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize