She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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