I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
