dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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