I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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