I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Randomize