last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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