Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
