I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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