Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
