I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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