I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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