Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
