Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize