she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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