My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
