I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
