i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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