If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
