I accidentally had phone sex last night
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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