Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
