i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
