I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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