I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
