It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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