Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My feet surprised me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
