u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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