Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
