Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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