My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
