If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
