I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
