she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
