It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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