we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
