They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
two words: eviction party
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
