The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
