You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
