Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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