Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
