I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
