my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
