Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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