fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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