i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
