thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
