thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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