I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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