How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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