bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
