checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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