what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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