There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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