there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize