i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
