we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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