Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
